Reverie…

Does anyone else feel irrelevant sometimes?  Like you don’t matter and your existence isn’t felt.  I feel like a nuisance, an aberration, that others would be better off without me.  Sure, pain may be transferred from me to someone else, but I’m starting to feel selfish.  I should do something solely for me for once.  I’ve read faith, ie believing in God, and having young children is protective; to this I can attest.

I am very frustrated with the current situation of the world, and quite frankly my life.  I guess it took a pandemic to realize how much I haven’t been actually living?  Pleasure and leisure are things of past.

My frustrations of the day started at work.  I feel like I am forever in the background, forgotten and dismissed.  “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” (Brady reference – not actual person) day in and day out.  I am stuck in their shadow and my efforts will never be good enough, can’t be recognized.  Patients, coworkers, it’s all the same.  Maybe part of it is my fault for not making a name for myself, fluffing my feathers, making others notice.  But that’s not my style.  I dislike bragging about myself for multiple reasons.  I think it makes people look arrogant, like assholes.  I also think it opens people up for scrutiny.  Maybe I don’t really want people to notice me?  I’m afraid what they would discover and point out my flaws.  Perhaps it doesn’t really matter since I think so little of myself to begin with.  What have I got to lose?

Right after work I was supposed to receive a phone call from a therapist/psychologist/counselor, whatever the fuck her actual title is.  I had found her online at psychologytoday.com and she seemed promising and had e-mailed her from there maybe a week and a half ago?  We corresponded Monday and we set up the call for 4 o’clock today.  I gave her my number and for the first time in a while I was hopeful.  Unfortunately, 4 o’clock came and went, no phone call, no e-mail excusing herself.  I feel I’ve reached a new low the level of disappointment I feel.  It shouldn’t bother me this much, but it seems to just reinforce this feeling I have – irrelevance.  Who the fuck cares what I’m going through?  Not a single solitary soul.  I can’t even pay someone to listen to my horse shit.

I wonder if purgatory feels this way.  Just endlessly mundane, getting the shit end of the stick often.  I feel isolated from everything and everyone, but not because of this pandemic.  I have no time for anything or anyone else besides my immediate family. No time for friends – so I now have no one.  Family dynamic has changed among extended family since my grandmother has passed.  No one has really stepped up as the “primary” family, like my therapist once explained, so we don’t get together as often as I’d like.  I feel so disconnected.

At home, I can’t do anything right.  I suck at everything and should try harder, but it’s never enough, and the work I do goes unnoticed.  I clean a room, it’s not acknowledged and trashed within a day.  Any praise is accompanied by a dollop of criticism.  Backhanded compliments, so to speak.  Needless to say, also shit, and no amount of explanation can redeem it.  It needs a ton of work.

Any day now…

Anyone else sick of this whole quarantine thing?  I’m becoming so incredibly frustrated with everything and everyone.  I hate feeling irritable and on edge.  I hate hating anything!  Is it possible to be afraid of one’s own anger?  I don’t do well with conflict, which makes it difficult to resolve any issues I’ve got, so I bottle it all up and allow it to eat my insides.  Yum!

Anywho, I’m essential, so I still drag my ass to work 45-50 hours a week and counting.  As the pandemic progresses, there is more of a need for help.  I’m stuck feeling guilty.  Not that there’s anything to go do, but I feel like my family is losing out on time with me.  One of my boys held me during our goodbye hug for a very long time before I left for work.  It was one of those hugs where if he weren’t so young and cute, it would have been awkward, but then it almost turned sad.  Thankfully, I wasn’t working my typical 13 hour shift, where I wouldn’t see him at all until the following day, so I used that as a bargaining chip to get out of that hug, that I feel neither one of us wanted to end.

The other day, I was at work and a young mother came in with her daughter, probably around the same age as my guys, 3 or 4, with her mask on.  I wanted to CRY my eyes out.  Fortunately, I have the ability to run errands without the kids, so I’m able to keep them home, but it just really hit me at my core.  It doesn’t seem fair that these children, these babies, are forced to experience this pandemic.  It has to be traumatic, having so much fear and uncertainty, with the adults in the same boat as them.  It’s just a horrible situation for us all and I really hope we make it through soon.  Each passing day adds to the hopelessness I feel, but I remain steadfast, working day in and day out, trying to do my part to end this ugliness.

Land of opportunity

With all that is going on in our world, it’s terrifying to think of any sort of change.  Nothing seems constant or guaranteed as it is, so any risk, good or bad, is scary.  But what does one do when opportunity arises?

Since some big changes at my current position, I have updated my status on networking sites like LinkedIn and Indeed to allow recruiters/hiring managers know that I was seeking opportunities.  In the past week and a half I have had a few recruiters reach out to me for new positions.  My inner FOMO (fear of missing out) drove me to apply and see them through.  I think I may have found a job that I’m actually excited for and I can’t wait!  The pay is less, it is part time work and only per diem, but it is in a different area of pharmacy that seems pretty interesting.  I hope to continue my current position without a hitch (for now), but add this as a side gig and a resume builder, if it doesn’t turn into something more!

I’m worried about breaking the news to my partner, but I hope she’ll understand.  I’ve been somewhat unhappy with my current position, but it’s familiar, provides benefits for myself and my boys, and pays the bills.  My coworkers are an awesome group of people and most of my customers are wonderful, but I’ve gotten too comfortable.  I need something to help me grow and stimulate me, to learn something new.  I often feel overshadowed by my partner, which has given me a complex.  Oh well, one step at a time.  Part time per diem isn’t quite a game changer just yet.  Depending on how this new job pans out, things may change even more.  I guess one day at a time, eh?  Things are pretty exciting when your profession is considered essential.

Everything has changed

This has been a crazy last couple of weeks and there’s no end in sight.  I’m somewhat grateful that the boys haven’t started school yet.  It makes it a tad easier to explain the current situation to them.  They’re disappointed that they can’t go on our weekly target runs anymore (although I’m sure I’m more upset than they are).  My husband is home with them, so my parents are able to stay home, which is a relief.  That’s the true heartbreaker – they can’t see their grandparents, and my parents can’t see the boys.

My job is considered essential, which is a double-edged sword.  I’m so lucky to be able to work and bring home an income, I don’t want this to be misconstrued as complaining.  However, I do have some valid concerns about my health and wellbeing, as well as that of my family.  I am taking the Coronavirus pandemic very seriously.  I loved microbiology and I have a lot of respect for the power of this virus.  Too often I see others in my community not taking the proper precautions, mainly social distancing.  I can’t tell you the amount of customers I see at work just roaming around, killing time.  “We go to work for you, so you can stay home for us.”  Stay the fuck home and all those other slogans.

Be smart, be safe, and we’ll be alright.  Please don’t take any unnecessary risks, because we need to avoid this thing as much as possible so it can fizzle out and life can get back to normal.

Preschool sign-ups – eek!

Today was a stressful day in our household.  We had open house for our first choice preschool, but were unfortunately waitlisted 😩  I would have higher hopes if we were able to secure one spot and were waitlisted for the other, but we were beat out for the last spot.  {Sigh} I’m trying not to freak out about it, though.  I already had a few other places in mind if this fell through as I was somewhat mentally prepared for this outcome.  What is so frustrating for me is the anxiety I feel when going to these things.  I feel so awkward and out of place in my own skin.  I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember though.  Oh well, I’m sure someday soon I won’t have any energy left to give a crap about what people think of me, right?

Perhaps it was for the best that I kept to myself for the most part.  I wanted to slap a couple moms talking about the struggles of having two children so close in age.  Like, oh my goodness, 19 months apart?  Having two under 2?  As if, bitches – try 2 minutes apart, ya ass hats!  I’m sick and tired of these moms looking for sympathy, especially after we already went over the fact that I am a mom of twins.  My only defense was to try and avoid any further eye contact as I smirked, cursing them out in my head.  They can’t relate to me, it’s definitely not the same, and it’s just annoying to listen to anymore.

So far, here’s a list of reasons why I will NEVER feel sorry for these parents:

  1.  You planned this, didn’t you?  Were you not trying again for another?  I can almost understand if it took a while to get pregnant the first time and you didn’t expect it to happen so fast, but once it did, time to buck up!  When having twins one of them was a surprise!  Who can plan for that?
  2. Being a new mom is stressful, but at least you were able to learn and get into your own groove with one baby that you could dote over.  With two, I was too busy making sure they were dry, happy, and fed to do much else.  Looking back, I wish I held them more, nursed more, bonded more with them.  It took a long time for me to feel connected, which caused a whole slew of other issues for me, but moving on…
  3. With your second child, you should have been an old pro by then.  A walk in the park, piece of cake, easy peasy, and all those other sayings.  If you didn’t have your shit together, maybe you should’ve waited.
  4. Even with a somewhat small age difference, a toddler would be willing to lend a hand, I’m sure.  Who wouldn’t want to play “mom” and help nurture their baby brother or sister?
  5. Also, I’m super jealous of all the feels you get when they first get to meet their new sibling.  So sweet!  There’s also that bittersweet moment with your oldest child, the last moment where it’s just the 2 of you.

Keeping the littles alive

So, not a bad day off all in all.  I felt somewhat accomplished in our activities today.  Survived the morning with maybe only 15 minutes of screen time? Yay us!  I’m usually guilty of allowing the boys to become mindless zombies while I do house work, make appointments, pay bills, or just plain fuck around on my phone, but we had an amazing start to the day.  Around 9:30 we headed to the playground since I saw it was supposed to be a little warmer today around 50, but it was way too windy.  You know it’s bad when a 4 year old tells you it’s too windy to stay at the playground.

With the promise of going back to the playground if the wind died down, we headed to Aldi (aka “pop pop’s grocery store”).  The boys were again fairly good while we shopped, they didn’t even fight me on getting into the cart.  I think we may have reached a maturity milestone (hopefully I didn’t just jinx it).  I only needed to threaten Connor once, really, when I told him the conveyor belt at check out was going to “bite” a finger off.  Someone else has done this, right?

That reminds me of a story my mother told me about some party my cousin and his wife had, not sure if it was a birthday, baby shower, whatever.  They apparently had a bunch of their hoity-toity Peekskill friends there and there was an incident with a mother and young daughter.  They had balloons in the car and the girl was messing with them, so the mother ranted on that she wouldn’t be able to see while driving, they would get into an accident and they could die!  So yeah, I’m totally not the only one that does this, ya know, terrifying small children by going to the extreme.  Gotta keep things real.

So feel free to share your thoughts and opinions, hold your concerns, because ain’t nobody got time for that negativity in their life.  Outtie.

 

Getting ish back on track

Well hello!  It’s been a bit, but I’m going to try and write more regularly.  I’ve been thinking about what I want for this blog and I think it’s at least going to start as just a lifestyle-like post.  I hope to create a community where we can share tips and tricks for all things mom/family life.

This past Saturday I went to the grocery store to return some bottles and pick up a few groceries.  The boys were with me and were surprisingly pretty good.  Up until now they’ve been either in a stroller or buckled in to a cart, but they’re getting too big and too skilled at getting out.  The conditions were to stay close, but ideally to keep a hand on the cart.  The only issue we had with the bottle return was the boys kept wanting to put the bottles in the machine themselves.  I kept having visions of them losing an arm to the machine, so I reminded them often of that possibility.  Does that make me a horrible person?  Anyway, moving on…

Once we got inside the store, we ditched the cart and the boys opted for 2 shopping baskets.  Each boy had their own basket and they held one of my hands with the other.  It seemed like a good idea, to keep their hands occupied and I thought it would work considering I only really wanted to get more cereal for them and some frozen stir fry mix with peppers and onions so Tony could make us some killer hash browns for breakfast the next day (which, btw, they were amazing).  The downside of shopping with the boys though is that we always leave with more than I had planned.  I had planned ahead and brought in a paper target bag, so I was still hopeful there was enough room for all of that.

At the checkout, the boys were horsing around at the register a tad.  They kept pretending to “drink” from some sugary baby bottles (these things: https://images.app.goo.gl/YUt7gBrwW7WeYNEM6) and then they took a few spins on the bag rotator thing of the next register.  As I was paying, I’m fairly certain a member of management walked by and made a comment to the boys telling them to stop.  With the ban on bags, why did they still have that anyway?  Oh well, I’m not trying to dodge responsibility on that, but it’s tough out here, ya know?

After everything was packed up, the only thing that didn’t really fit in the bag was the big box of cereal, but still totally manageable.  On the way out there were a few candy machines which was somewhat of a setback, but I was able to grab Connor and scare Ethan by starting to walk away threatening to leave him (holy shit I really am an awful person!).  Things got interesting in the parking lot.  The bag broke and half of the groceries fell out.  Thankfully no cars were coming, but we did lose half the container of blueberries.  I had Connor hold the rest of the blueberries, which he proceeded to munch on as we walked to the car, with me yelling at him the whole way that they would make them sick since they weren’t washed yet.  So far, knock on wood, he seems fine, but he definitely doesn’t make it easy keeping him alive.  I gave Ethan a bottle of seltzer to carry, which he dropped at least 6 times, fairly certain at least 3 were on purpose.  Getting in the car wasn’t too crazy, except Connor dropped the blueberries again and lost about half of what had been left (he had one job!!!!).

I learned a few things that day.  For small grocery purchases, the boys each having their own basket worked out really well.  It keeps their hands busy so they can’t get into too much trouble and may become the new norm for us since lately we’ve been making more frequent, but smaller trips to the store.  I also found out that the recyclable paper Target bags are not that sturdy and should only be used to hold a few, light items, so not really suitable for our household.

Please share your thoughts and maybe what you’d like to hear about my wild and crazy life with my two daredevils that have little (if not no) sense of self-preservation.

Wowie Zowie

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years since I started this blog.  I don’t know what it is about this time of year that somehow inspires me to write; weird, huh?  I was just rereading the first post and it’s so strange, that particular customer seems to really appreciate me now.  Anyway, on to more current events.

So, I find myself thinking more and more that I am a crazy dinosaur with outdated beliefs.  I try to do good in the world and treat others well.  Working in retail, I know how shitty it can be dealing with people that are entitled and mean, so I strive to NEVER be that person.  This morning, I attempted to sign up for a local gym because after visiting their website, I thought they had a decent deal for a membership.  This particular place charges bi-weekly about twice as much as Planet Fitness’ $10/month, equating to roughly four times as much give or take (yikes!).  This establishment however lowers the fee relative to how long you commit to the membership.  They also advertised another option in which you could get the lowest rate if paid up front for the entire year.  I didn’t see anything about a commitment so I thought it was a good deal.  Upon entering this gym, the people were nice enough, but I soon realized that paying upfront would make no difference in any of the options.  I was frustrated, don’t get me wrong, but I maintained my composure.  It was second nature.  Looking back, replaying the scenario, there were signs that the employee was bracing herself for a fight, but of course, she has nothing to worry about.  Who had caused her to expect mistreatment?  How many people had conditioned her this way?

I guess the point I’m trying to make is, why do people treat each other so poorly?  That a simple disagreement would need to escalate into ugliness?  Too often we lose sight of what is important.  Perhaps I’m being too broad here, let’s say for example, the detainment of immigrants at our borders.  I know I’m opening a can of worms but hear me out.  The capture and detainment of humans is inhumane.  Separating children from their parents is deplorable.  I can’t imagine being separated from my children with no idea when I would see them again.  And even the rumors of the conditions they were held in sound horrible, so in actuality, they were likely much worse.

I would consider myself a Republican and I feel illegal immigration is a problem, but we are all human and should be treated as such.  There must have been another, less cruel way to handle that situation.  We need to do better.  As Americans, we need to rally our families to build better communities, and work together to implement positive change.  It all starts in our own homes.

More next time from this pharmer.

 

-DELFINI 2024-

This is ridiculous…

So, unfortunately, I had to work today.  My winning customer of the day was a woman who came in for a prescription for Belsomra, but there were several road blocks for her.

First of all, this woman has “RX messaging”, which if you’re not familiar, is when the patient signs up for either a phone call or a text message to be notified if there’s an issue with a prescription, it’s ready, whatever the details are.  She had received notification that her medication “needed additional information from the doctor”, meaning not ready, there’s a problem, maybe you should call?

Nonetheless, she shows up.  To my delight, I had the pleasure of being this creature’s first stop, so I greet her, attempt my usual charm.  We first discussed how the shingles vaccine her physician sent in was not covered, which seemed to go over well, no big deal.  Then, I told her about her Belsomra, which still wasn’t an awful exchange…yet.  We commiserated about the corruption of insurance companies, a common enemy, but wait!  She has a coupon from her doctor for this medication:  hooray!  The crops are saved (maybe a $100 or 2 saved?), or so I thought.  I quickly type in the coupon, with her glaring at me at this point because apparently I’m typing tooooooo slooooooooowly.  Alas, the manufacturer does not have this number on file.  Upon closer inspection, it needed to be activated.

I asked her: Have you activated it by chance?

Wench:  NO.

Me: Okay, there’s a number that you have to call before we can use this coupon, because right now they’re saying you’re not on file with them.  They usually ask you for your name, address, and some other details.

Wench: Ugh, this is ridiculous!

She then steps away a foot or two to call them.  After maybe a minute, she storms off saying that this is ridiculous (again) and that she would have to call me.

After recounting the details, it doesn’t seem as bad now.  At the time, I was on the verge of tears and remained extremely quiet and unlike myself for about an hour.  I hate the fact that others can have an affect on my feelings.  Hate it, HATE it, HATE IT!!!!  People keep telling me I need to develop thicker skin and that I take things too personally.  I texted my husband “I hate people” after this incident and we started to discuss why I react so strongly to blatant rudeness or malice.  My view of humanity is too optimistic.  I expect others to abide by the golden rule, at the very least.

In light of recent events, I’ve done some soul searching and I’ve been trying to work on myself and be a better person.  I think more about religion and essentially, WWJD?  These past few weeks in church, I feel like the themes each week have been similar and I’ve really taken them to heart.  Hospitality, treating everyone with kindness, seeing God in others (kinda makes me think, what if God was a stranger on a bus?), etc.  I think that mindset has made me more vulnerable.  Not that I’m perfect by any means, but I’m trying.

So, what’s worse?  Trying to have a positive outlook and treat others with kindness, or conducting myself as others do, and coming to expect disrespect?